Recently, I had a very unfortunate experience - I lost my baby. It seems like most people don't want to talk about miscarriages and they are very hush-hush about it. I'm not really sure why I'm blogging about it. Maybe to make me feel better, or maybe just because I think people need to be more open about it.
I have some family/friends who struggle with infertility and are very open about it. I really appreciate the fact that they let others in on what's going on. It helps me understand better (and lets me be more aware so I can keep them in my prayers). Miscarriages are very common, yet most people never talk about it.
So I decided to talk about mine.
I felt ready for a second child when Sophie was about a month old. Crazy, right? Well, it wasn't the right time (clearly) so we waited. Once we felt ready, we tried for quite some time before I got pregnant. It took much longer this time around than it did with Sophie. So needless to say, I was thrilled by the time that positive test came around!
We told our families, and even made cute little scrapbook-type things to announce it to our parents. It didn't even cross my mind that something could go wrong. But when the nausea never came I got nervous. Sure enough, the signs of miscarriage eventually hit. I pretty much spent the next 2 days crying :( That Sunday night I called a family friend who is an OB/GYN and he said to fly to Utah right away to get checked out - there were some concerns, and we needed to make sure it was a normal miscarriage. Actually, at that point there was even a tiny chance that I would still have a normal pregnancy, which I, unfortunately, had my hopes up for.
The flights Monday morning were twice as expensive as Sunday night, so we booked a super last minute flight for that night. I ate dinner, packed in a hurry, and left for the airport! It was super stressful and crazy. My flight left at 9:30 pm, so I was hoping Soph would fall asleep.
Well, just my luck, my flight was delayed 2 hours. Sophie was to the point where she was so tired that she was completely wired, and running around squealing like a madwoman. At around 10:45, I decided to make a last bathroom stop. On my way out, I... felt something. I went back to the bathroom. And that's when I lost my baby. I can't really describe how that felt - crying in an airport bathroom, feeling so alone, and trying to keep Sophie in line. I just so desperately wanted someone to be there with me.
I pulled myself together and went back to the gate. By that time, Sophie started to crash, and I rocked her to sleep while the plane started boarding. It was so strange to be around all of the same people again, but I felt so different. I kept thinking: "if you only knew what I just went through!"
The flight was uncomfortable, to say the least. And I was physically and emotionally exhausted. When I got to baggage claim and saw my dad, I almost burst into tears again, this time out of relief. It was so good to have him there. This whole ordeal was made so much worse because I was tired, nervous, extremely hormonal, and alone. So seeing my dad immediately took away my loneliness and nerves.
Looking back on it now, I see how much help I had. The Lord was truly taking care of me. I don't know how else I could've managed to get 2 bags and a barely-asleep toddler on the plane, all while fighting back tears. And I know exactly why my flight was delayed 2 hours. If it hadn't been, I would've lost the baby on the plane, and I don't even want to think about what that would have been like. And I know that I wasn't alone in that airport bathroom - I was certainly being watched over.
Because I miscarried, the Dr. didn't need to see me for a week, so I went in the next Monday (go figure). The nurses were so nice, but having to relive it all made it so much worse. Miscarriages are so much harder than I ever imagined they would be. But I know that everything happens for a reason. We have to wait a bit to try again, but it will happen when it's supposed to.
Oh yeah, and I got pulled over an hour after the appointment and got a ticket. It was my first time getting pulled over, so I was a wreck! Haha.. it was not my day.
Hopefully this wasn't too depressing. It feels good to write it all down.
Now, Soph and I are just enjoying our time with family and loving life :)
