Recently, I had a very unfortunate experience - I lost my baby. It seems like most people don't want to talk about miscarriages and they are very hush-hush about it. I'm not really sure why I'm blogging about it. Maybe to make me feel better, or maybe just because I think people need to be more open about it.
I have some family/friends who struggle with infertility and are very open about it. I really appreciate the fact that they let others in on what's going on. It helps me understand better (and lets me be more aware so I can keep them in my prayers). Miscarriages are very common, yet most people never talk about it.
So I decided to talk about mine.
I felt ready for a second child when Sophie was about a month old. Crazy, right? Well, it wasn't the right time (clearly) so we waited. Once we felt ready, we tried for quite some time before I got pregnant. It took much longer this time around than it did with Sophie. So needless to say, I was thrilled by the time that positive test came around!
We told our families, and even made cute little scrapbook-type things to announce it to our parents. It didn't even cross my mind that something could go wrong. But when the nausea never came I got nervous. Sure enough, the signs of miscarriage eventually hit. I pretty much spent the next 2 days crying :( That Sunday night I called a family friend who is an OB/GYN and he said to fly to Utah right away to get checked out - there were some concerns, and we needed to make sure it was a normal miscarriage. Actually, at that point there was even a tiny chance that I would still have a normal pregnancy, which I, unfortunately, had my hopes up for.
The flights Monday morning were twice as expensive as Sunday night, so we booked a super last minute flight for that night. I ate dinner, packed in a hurry, and left for the airport! It was super stressful and crazy. My flight left at 9:30 pm, so I was hoping Soph would fall asleep.
Well, just my luck, my flight was delayed 2 hours. Sophie was to the point where she was so tired that she was completely wired, and running around squealing like a madwoman. At around 10:45, I decided to make a last bathroom stop. On my way out, I... felt something. I went back to the bathroom. And that's when I lost my baby. I can't really describe how that felt - crying in an airport bathroom, feeling so alone, and trying to keep Sophie in line. I just so desperately wanted someone to be there with me.
I pulled myself together and went back to the gate. By that time, Sophie started to crash, and I rocked her to sleep while the plane started boarding. It was so strange to be around all of the same people again, but I felt so different. I kept thinking: "if you only knew what I just went through!"
The flight was uncomfortable, to say the least. And I was physically and emotionally exhausted. When I got to baggage claim and saw my dad, I almost burst into tears again, this time out of relief. It was so good to have him there. This whole ordeal was made so much worse because I was tired, nervous, extremely hormonal, and alone. So seeing my dad immediately took away my loneliness and nerves.
Looking back on it now, I see how much help I had. The Lord was truly taking care of me. I don't know how else I could've managed to get 2 bags and a barely-asleep toddler on the plane, all while fighting back tears. And I know exactly why my flight was delayed 2 hours. If it hadn't been, I would've lost the baby on the plane, and I don't even want to think about what that would have been like. And I know that I wasn't alone in that airport bathroom - I was certainly being watched over.
Because I miscarried, the Dr. didn't need to see me for a week, so I went in the next Monday (go figure). The nurses were so nice, but having to relive it all made it so much worse. Miscarriages are so much harder than I ever imagined they would be. But I know that everything happens for a reason. We have to wait a bit to try again, but it will happen when it's supposed to.
Oh yeah, and I got pulled over an hour after the appointment and got a ticket. It was my first time getting pulled over, so I was a wreck! Haha.. it was not my day.
Hopefully this wasn't too depressing. It feels good to write it all down.
Now, Soph and I are just enjoying our time with family and loving life :)
The flights Monday morning were twice as expensive as Sunday night, so we booked a super last minute flight for that night. I ate dinner, packed in a hurry, and left for the airport! It was super stressful and crazy. My flight left at 9:30 pm, so I was hoping Soph would fall asleep.
Well, just my luck, my flight was delayed 2 hours. Sophie was to the point where she was so tired that she was completely wired, and running around squealing like a madwoman. At around 10:45, I decided to make a last bathroom stop. On my way out, I... felt something. I went back to the bathroom. And that's when I lost my baby. I can't really describe how that felt - crying in an airport bathroom, feeling so alone, and trying to keep Sophie in line. I just so desperately wanted someone to be there with me.
I pulled myself together and went back to the gate. By that time, Sophie started to crash, and I rocked her to sleep while the plane started boarding. It was so strange to be around all of the same people again, but I felt so different. I kept thinking: "if you only knew what I just went through!"
The flight was uncomfortable, to say the least. And I was physically and emotionally exhausted. When I got to baggage claim and saw my dad, I almost burst into tears again, this time out of relief. It was so good to have him there. This whole ordeal was made so much worse because I was tired, nervous, extremely hormonal, and alone. So seeing my dad immediately took away my loneliness and nerves.
Looking back on it now, I see how much help I had. The Lord was truly taking care of me. I don't know how else I could've managed to get 2 bags and a barely-asleep toddler on the plane, all while fighting back tears. And I know exactly why my flight was delayed 2 hours. If it hadn't been, I would've lost the baby on the plane, and I don't even want to think about what that would have been like. And I know that I wasn't alone in that airport bathroom - I was certainly being watched over.
Because I miscarried, the Dr. didn't need to see me for a week, so I went in the next Monday (go figure). The nurses were so nice, but having to relive it all made it so much worse. Miscarriages are so much harder than I ever imagined they would be. But I know that everything happens for a reason. We have to wait a bit to try again, but it will happen when it's supposed to.
Oh yeah, and I got pulled over an hour after the appointment and got a ticket. It was my first time getting pulled over, so I was a wreck! Haha.. it was not my day.
Hopefully this wasn't too depressing. It feels good to write it all down.
Now, Soph and I are just enjoying our time with family and loving life :)
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing, Alli. I would have had no idea otherwise. That sounds very overwhelming. I cannot even imagine. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet little family. Lots of love!
Oh Alli. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. You are so brave to share your story, and I appreciate your honesty. I haven't had that experience, but when/if I do, I will know right where to turn. You are in my prayers. Big hugs to you and your family.
Dear Sweet Alli,
I am so very sorry to read this. My thoughts and prayers of comfort are with you right now.
I love you!
Julia
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